i wanna be selfish

Posted on June 8th, 2007 in Uncategorized by abbey llanes

If you are in love right now, you shouldn’t read this. I suggest that you bookmark this post and then get back to it after you’ve been dissed and dismissed. This is *hate love* post from an overly jaded, severely whacked anti-love. It foretells of what would befall you "soon".

Sometimes I think about how great it’d be if I were selfish. No one to think and care about but myself. Wouldn’t it be great if no one cared about anyone else but themselves? Think about it, you wouldn’t have to get hurt about not being loved, or people letting you down. You only feel bad when you let yourself down, and with that you know, ou only have yourself to blame.

It’s be wonderful to be self-sufficing. Not care what anyone would think. Not care about love because you only love yourself. Loving someone sucks. Sure. People say that love is a wonderful thing. I’d like to hear them say that after they’ve gotten dumped, or cheated on, or kept on only to be told nasty and hurtful things to. Trying to save a faltering relationship is like trying to fashin a rope ladder out of gossamer.

I have a theoretical philosophy, don’t fall in love. Fool around, fuck around, flirt around, but never ever fall in love, kasi ung love, sa umpisa lang yan. When you fall in love, when the excitement phase has faded, everything is fair game. Talo-talo na. Your true selves start rearing their ugly heads and when you talk (or the other person talks), the other person (or yourself) doesn’t hear it, it’s just a roaring in the ears.

But of course, my bestfriend, with whom I am talking to as I write this post, is for the time being, in love. He says that "hindi happy ang life, pag walang lovelife." *I’m betting my ass he got that from a movie he saw on Cinema1.* In that is the fatal flaw. Love has been equated to be sine qua non to hapiness. That’s just stupid. The best love stories are not of love, but of heartbreak. The same goes for love songs, and love poems. Everyone can relate to a tragic love story. Even if you’re in love, admit it, a good love *hurt* song or movie would jerk your tear ducts.

Damit, I hate love. I hate being in love. I wanna be selfish. I want to only think of myself, my own happiness, and not care about the other person!

A Genius Bids Farewell

Posted on June 4th, 2007 in Uncategorized by abbey llanes

Got this from Rhed’s multiply blog.. been meaning to post it but i keep on forgetting.. thanks rhed for posting this beautiful poem..

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The Puppet - A Farewell Letter

from Gabriel Garcia Marquez

If for an instant God were to forget that I am rag doll and gifted me
with a piece of life,
possibly I wouldn’t say all that I think,
but rather I would think of all that I say.
I would value things,
not for their worth but for what they mean.
I would sleep little, dream more,
understanding that for each minute we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.

I would walk when others hold back.
I would wake when others sleep.
I would listen when others talk,
and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream!
If God were to give me a piece of life,
I would dress simply,
throw myself face first into the sun,
baring not only my body but also my soul.
My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice,
and wait for the sun to show.
Over the stars I would paint with a Van Gogh dream a Benedetti poem,
and a Serrat song would be the serenade I’d offer to the moon.
With my tears I would water roses,
to feel the pain of their thorns,
and the red kiss of their petals.

My God, if I had a piece of life…
I wouldn’t let a single day pass without telling the people I love that I love them.
I would convince each woman and each man that they are my favorites,
and I would live in love with love.
I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease
to be in love when they grow old,
not knowing that they grow old when they cease to love!
To a child I shall give wings,
but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.
I would teach the old that death does not come with old age,
but with forgetting.
So much have I learned from you, oh men…

I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain,
without knowing that real happiness is in how it is scaled.
I have learned that when a newborn child squeezes for the first time
with his tiny fist his father’s finger,
he has him trapped forever.
I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only
when he has to help the other get to his feet.
From you I have learned so many things,
but in truth they won’t be of much use,
for when I keep them within this suitcase,
unhappily shall I be dying.

i’m not stupid…

Posted on June 2nd, 2007 in Uncategorized by abbey llanes

… but sometimes I wish I were. A friend of mine told me that Capricorns are lousy lovers, but very dependable. I need someone who loves me back, not someone I can depend on to clean up after me. Maybe he meant "dependable" in the sense that I can depend on him to love me back. I doubt it. My friend was probably sloshed when he said that.

            "Girlfriend". Behind the bland title lies emos that even the most evocative tongue cannot even articulate. Initially into a relationship, a girl is ecstatic at having coveted the title, but no sooner had the honorific stuck does she find that the romance is gone. They have passed the "new relationship excitement phase" and the once wonderfully-happy turns into mucky-ugly. Loving the person makes it hard to see past the evil; but then again, sometimes, the devil can be a girl’s best friend. She’d bitch and bitch all day long, to the point of destroying whatever shard of trust the relationship is hanging on by.

            I’ll never find true love. Nothing sucks like being alone, no matter how many people are there. I have a disillusioned concocted concept of true love from watching too many Meg Ryan movies, and when I get hurt, it hurts really bad.

            So what do you do when your guy tells you that you have no future together and you’ve metastasized from being the love of his life to a burden? Asking the guy would be futile. It would go nowhere. The guy would volley the question to you and then it would be reduced a question mark in a field of question marks. When left to your own devices, you should be able to separate the rational from the irrational. Most of the time something that looks trivial, really is trivial. The boring little discrepancies can shake you to your core. Love and relationship is so cryptic and hopelessly obscure, you have to always be on your guard. After all, isn’t it just a game of who gets to break up with whom first. The formula is: Love wins, you cheer. Love fails, you still cheer (a sympathetic stab for all the "bitter ocampos" out there.) The title, whether "girlfriend", "boyfriend" or "partner" can be construed to be a guilty pleasure or a cry for help. I can never tell.

My wish is granted. I am stupid.