Being with you makes me a different person. Not better, just different. I can strip all my inhibitions and think aloud whenever we are together. I can share things I never shared to anyone before. I tell you directly that I miss you and that I want to see you. And you respond by showing up as soon as you can. It feels good whenever I make you laugh without even trying. You see, I am not like this whenever I am with other people. With you, I become more confident and assertive and bold. With you, I become somebody else and do things I never thought I could do. I can ask you the most ridiculous favor, and you would still be willing to comply. I can ask you out whenever I feel like it. I can tell you all the crazy things that are going through my mind. I can be foolish and stubborn and eccentric, but you never made me feel unwanted or unacceptable.
I appreciate the little things you do that make me feel special. Little things like showing up when I least expected it or sending a text message when the paperback version of Harry Potter 4 first came out. The way you remembered trivial things that I’ve said, things that I thought to be insignificant until you remembered them. I appreciate the way you make me feel good about myself without saying anything or the way you manifested that you care and understand everything I am going through.
We go out, hang out with each other, and do things together. Maybe for you, these things mean nothing. But for me, every moment spent with you is written in my journal or recounted to my friends. I saved all your text messages in my cell phone but erased them when you started to read my inbox. Receipts and tissue papers from the bars and restaurants we’ve frequented were kept in a box, together with all the wrappers of the candies you gave me and the packs of cigarettes that we’ve consumed in our bonding sessions.
I wanted to stage a play where you and I were the lead roles. I wanted to assign meanings to favors you’ve been doing for me. I wanted to think that there was a special reason why you saved some of the forwarded text messages that I sent you a couple of months ago. I wanted to believe that that you chose me over your girlfriend when you showed up late on your date because you were with me. But then, I would stop myself from hoping because I know that I couldn’t have you, no matter how hard I try.
I was in Powerbooks one day and I thought I spotted you reading a book. My heart beat in a rampage. We were just together the night before but it seemed that I missed you so bad and I was happy to see even the back of your head. When I got closer, I realized it wasn’t you. It was then that I admitted to myself that I was falling in love with you.
In tow with the realization, is a resolution to stop this foolishness. The last time we went out, you were holding me close and we were having or usual repartee of flirting. It felt good being with you even for stolen moments like that; and whatever it was that felt good seemed right. But then, when it was over, I felt so drained and heavy at the same time. Drained because after spending my time and energy with you, I was left with nothing but memory. Heavy because I realized that being with you was wrong, and that you were not unlike from the rest. Whatever it is we are sharing is going nowhere. And I am setting myself up for a major pain by playing a dangerous game with you.
For the nth time, I decided to avoid you and stop seeing you. My friends associate me to the boy who cried wolf because I kept on saying I would stop seeing you but then I would always come back to you whenever my ego plummets and I need someone to make me feel good about myself or whenever I am bored and need excitement in my life. My friends don’t believe me anymore. But I am resolved to be rid of you for good.
You have done many wonderful things for me but you are a waste of time. As I said, this is going nowhere. You have given me high feelings but these are ephemeral and they come at a costly price – self-respect. I am settling with someone who can never be mine, someone who is bad for me, someone who can never give me the love and commitment I deserve. After all the things you have done for me, it is so difficult and painful to let go. But is more difficult and painful to hold on to someone that I know will never be mine. A line from a song says, some good things never last. In our case, some good things don’t even start.
You know who you are.
