Grumpy Pants and Movie Cliches
Had a really terrible day. Haven’t been getting enough sleep and going out everyday grumped me out. You meet up and spend time with the same freaking bunch every f**ked up day and there’s nothing interesting to talk about. No intellectual intercourse whatsoever!! In short — NAKAKABOBO! Anyway, talking about movie cliches might get me out of the doldrums. Annoi’s gonna have a kick out of this!!
- Can’t get into the house? Don’t worry! There’s always the spare key under the welcome mat.
- The villain will almost always kidnap the hero’s woman in an atempt to destroy the hero’s heart and spirit, but instead it gives him the will to go on and ends up being the villain’s downfall, or the woman he kidnaps will end up defeating him.
- When a kid’s dog runs away, it’s usually been picked up by a mean bad guy. At the end of the movie, there will be a contest between the kid and the mean bad guy to see who gets to keep the dog. The dog is put in the middle of the two characters and they both have to call it at the same time. The one who the dog runs to gets to keep it. The dog will always start to go to the bad guy, but at the last second will go to the kid.
- Any kind of music in a club, at a dance, etc, always has a backbeat but no words.
- Guns are always conveniently loaded with no more, and no less bullets than needed.
- Vegetables are always being chopped in the kitchen, but no one ever has the time to eat dinner.
- Makeup in movies is mixed with a secret sticking solution, so it is incapable of becoming smudged or being rubbed off unless streaming mascara is needed for dramatic impact.
- Black leather clothing is necessary to wield high-powered automatic weapons.
- In action movies, there is always someone whose last words are, "Oh sh*t."
- To be included in the geek clique, you must first have about 10 grand worth of orthodontia in your mouth.
- Even nerds don’t have zits.
- A huge wave of water or large ball of fire will always back up to give time for any important characters to run away. This usually happens when thecamera angle changes. Disasters that should take 5 seconds can easily take as long as necesary for characters to reach safety. These things usually never effect the hiding spot.
- If a man hits the heroine, she will do nothing for the present but will return near the end to give him a good whack. However, a heroine will never hit the hero back.
- Teenage girls only own pretty, lacy, undergarments, and they always have matching sets of bras and panties.
- Villains will always explain their plan, in its entirety, to the hero before leaving him in an easily escapable situation with an incredibly incompetent guard, or no guard at all.
- In movies and television, Crime Scene Investigators don’t just do the forensics, they question suspects and solve entire crimes FOR the DA.
- Talking to someone in a coma will bring them out if it.
- When the hero is taking on a barrage of the villian’s henchmen, they will attack him one at a time.
- While 2 people are talking on the phone, and one hangs up on the other, the person who got hung up on will hear a dial tone.
- A villain can hotwire any car in a matter of seconds.
- Nightmares always end with a scream.
- All archers never run out of arrows.
- Scenes taking place at an asylum have crazy people wandering around unsupervised, while some nurse is pushing a catatonic in a wheelchair.
- The man, when breaking up with a woman, will always try to tell her that it’s not her, it’s him. However, the woman has already seen every single movie like this one and will be aware of this cliché, so she replies with something like “don’t give me that”.
- While crossing wobbly old rope bridges, the hero will always state “don’t look down.” Then the female will say, “too late,” prompting the wooden board she next steps on to break and she falls through, and is left dangling high above a river that’s always full of hungry, man-eating crocodiles.
- Millions of deaths each year are preventable, but alas, the one person who can save them has their music up so high that it drowns out all top-of-lung, bloodcurdling screams for help.
- An alcoholic can always chug down a gallon of whisky without vomiting, getting really drunk, or burning their throat. He’ll chug it down, wince, and go “Aahhh!”
GRRRR… I’m still in such a foul mood.
